basking in the shade: after the downpour
about three weeks ago I released ESPER//EXILE, a pico-8 shoot-em-up. you can check it out here, or the development reflections I wrote on it here.
since releasing ESPER//EXILE I've been carrying an awfully heavy feeling. every day I've felt anxious, sick to my stomach and restless. it wasn't exactly anything about the game or its release, but instead my own feelings about indie development.
due to some traumatic events in my personal life, I quit indie games for the better part of a decade starting in 2016. I decided I would make games only as a hobby and that felt fine to me, if a bit sad. what I mourned the most was a loss of community, and a network of people I (albeit mistakenly) believed I could trust like family. what I gained was an opportunity to live a more modest life and build new relationships with more genuine people, to focus more on "me" and "others" rather than the sisyphean "my career," and that felt much closer to my heart anyway.
I don't come from a professional world. I grew up in a rural, mixed-culture environment with family from a Los Angeles ghetto. I knew different social norms, where people had little pretense between one another and treated each other like family as a given, where families were big and equal parts defined by blood and not. you always knew your standing with everyone else, and not speaking frankly with someone or talking about them behind their back was akin to betrayal. especially as a person who struggles to identify subtle social patterns, this is something that agreed quite well with me. I never could have imagined it wasn't the norm everywhere. I don't want to romanticize this environment because it has lots of its own problems, but this at least formed by norm.
I immediately went from this environment to being an aspiring indie developer in the city, and it was a culture shock that took me multiple years to realize had even occurred: I thought anyone I had consistently friendly and personal interactions with cared deeply for me, and I did for them. that's all it ever had to take when you come from an environment where it's a given that people do so, albeit imperfectly. I didn't know that what is essentially two-faced behavior was normal, and even expected. I never expected anybody around me to be motivated by self-interest while looking friendly. this combination of my cultural background and personal obliviousness led to me putting far more trust and significance in my connections than was accurate. it was so traumatizing all I could think about from then afterwards was living a hermit's life, selecting those I allowed close very carefully.
when I decided to come back to making games, it was moreso out of practical necessity. for various reasons, I'm not very well fit to working conventional jobs, and due to my life circumstances I also can now only work remotely. this is my main skillset and still something I care about, so I decided to try again. I knew it would be hard and I knew I'd be inviting ghosts out of the closet, but it felt like my best choice nonetheless. and on some level I wanted to face that past and prove to myself I could do it this time.
those old feelings have been trickling in ever since I started, but following this release they've rushed back in like a flash flood. it's an anxiety I feel deep in my bones. the worries about being good enough, about investing so much effort and it amounting to little. I know them so well. all those feelings are back and the trauma on top of it, feeling as fresh and raw as the day I (perhaps inadvisably) locked them away and tried to pretend never happened.
it's been a hard few weeks. it's been making me ask myself the question again whether this is worth it, if I wasn't right to quit all those years ago and leave it there. I'm not sure yet, it's another cost I have to weigh as I continue for now.
I could always reskill and try to seek employment in a related field. I'm not sure if doing so would be better for me or a repeat of running from my ghosts. after I quit the first time I decided to live a simple life, where I'd be happy just making ends meet and being surrounded by people I love. I still feel that way, but I keep asking myself if that's part of the running too, if that's really all I want.
in the past, I felt like I had no choice but to "become someone amazing." it was instilled in me from a young age that I should become some kind of exceptionally brilliant and successful person. it was never my own desire, except for my intrinsic interest in various subjects that made me good at them from a young age. except now, I'm behind the normative curve in both skill and success for my age.
in terms of "career" I wasted my 20s. but on the other hand, in terms of living for myself and others, my 20s were quite full. I experienced many profound relationships and unraveled myself to heal and become the person I truly wanted to be. this period had many of its own difficulties and missteps, but they all served to get me where I am now. now I feel much freer, like I can embrace the full experience of life without getting lost in any one thing.
and yet... perhaps there was one area of life I've still rejected, that I let fester all these years. during that time, I resigned myself to a hermit's life, focused on my small, safe corner of the world. what if I've rejected those parts of me that want to interact with the wider world, those parts of me that were misguided and later were hurt so profoundly that I came to prefer hermitude?
I came to synonymize ambition with arrogance, grifting and narrow self-interest. and just as much, I came to synonymize having goals with ambition. I'm in a place right now where it's still all tangled up for me in a mess of feelings and hurt.
it's hard to know what lies on the other side for me. I think what I want is to give things to people, whatever I'm able to give that cares for others or benefits the world, and hopefully I can be provided for somehow in return. in the same way that I want my life to be full of love and care, I think what I want for the world might just be that on a scale wider than my personal life.
I feel okay with whatever form that might take, making games is just the thing I know best for now. but if it winds up being anything else or even a combination of things, I want to be open to that.
I don't want past pain or fear for survival to compromise me (hopefully) putting good into the world. even if I still don't know what exactly the path there looks like.