"mentality" and making games pt.2: the long shadow of failure
this is part 2 in my series on "mentality" and making games. previously, I connected "mentality" in fighting games to craft. to read that post, click here.
in creating video games, much like most other things, I am a "failure." while at my worst moments I assure myself it's only me, I think we're all "failures." the pressure society places on us to succeed pushes us to hide and expel our imperfections. it pushes us away from trying new things or continuing to try things we might otherwise grow to love. the pressure to succeed is pervasive and self-alienating. and yet, so can be denying ourselves the chance to nurture dreams and ambitions.
from a very young age, I was never good enough. I was a burden to my mother and an outcast in school. my grandparents held high expectations for me to follow in my father's footsteps, to pursue excellence and achievement without compromise.
that same shadow has followed me to this day. even if my rationale has changed, I understand that I remain so focused on these things in large part due to the seeds planted in my childhood. even if I enjoy trying hard and improving, I can't deny the pain that still lingers there in the corners of myself that'd rather be lost.
I have an intensely self-critical voice, the kind that becomes a ritual act of self-degradation, of pre-empting the humiliation of any failure with abuse by my own hand--old environments turned inwards. every word of positivity or clarity I've ever spoken has had behind it a story of despair that I've only just found my way out of.
in writing this blog so far, I've focused more on those answers rather than on the problems that led me to them. I didn't intend for this blog to be personal, I intended to be a voice from the shadows documenting their journey into--with luck--creative success.
for so long, I wanted to give something to this world that had no "me" in it. I didn't believe there was anything "me" worth giving. and yet as I shared my thoughts and my stories and edged on the personal, I began to find my work doing for others something it'd never done... I managed to touch others, in a way I struggled with so much futility for so long to achieve through any other craft.
it was, and to a degree still is, a hard thing to accept. if I truly wanted to give something to this world without regards for myself, then shouldn't I embrace this unexpected thing I began to create that achieved that? yet it stung, for this "side activity" of mine to seemingly already have overshadowed 20 years of dedication to making games.
I was only in middle school when I started. I defiantly insisted to my classmates that some day I'd be a successful* game developer. I promised to myself I'd prove my value to my mother and make my grandparents proud. I worked hard and I loved what I did. and yet, even to this day... it's hardly amounted to anything, something I can only humbly, if painfully, admit.
(* to me, success is much moreso about reaching and touching others with what I do, and more or less always has been. though I would be happy to make livable money at the same time.)
in these 20 years I've watched countless friends and peers bring something unique and precious to the world where I always seemed to fall short. each time one of them found success I'd balance both my joy for them and despair towards myself. over the years it only grew, until it became difficult to think of myself as someone with anything of worth to contribute to this world.
the truth is, I stubbornly continue to make games for selfish reasons. it has everything to do with me and a self-image I've nurtured for over 20 years. even if my passion is authentic, my motivation at this point is just as much driven by a sense of defiance and a refusal to admit "defeat."
since realizing the worth of my blog, it's occurred to me that the only path to achieve what I want is to no longer let the threat of failure rule me. to somehow realize my own value and let my joy flow, the kind that keeps me going in the process regardless of anything else.
I was only able to fully realize this thanks to the kind words of the people who read this blog, and now the presence of incredibly loving and supportive people in my life who help me see my value every day. in a real way, my "reason for living" has begun to shift to being able to give in turn to others what has been given to me. but I still want to give my old dream one last shot of sorts**, doing it in a way that would make my friends proud of me.
it's been a struggle to create with "me", to truly create from the heart and risk it all to put something in the world that makes it a little better, to create a work that "saves people" like much of the art that inspires me has. the more pain in my life has accumulated, the more the impulse to retreat has strengthened. but I can acknowledge that such a thing is self-defeating now, that my "success", if ever, can only come from learning to believe in a love for myself I'd never known before. I'm going to keep pressing forward with the belief that all my efforts to develop my craft have meant something, with a belief in my process and in what I find inspiring in games and in storytelling. it's okay that I've had a long and hard path to where I am now, much like everything about me is okay. maybe it's been difficult, but whatever it is, it's me. I want to find out what's in store now, holding these new feelings in my heart.
(** I'll probably always make games, the question is moreso about my level of dedication, whether it's "my craft" or a hobby. both are okay! it would just be a different relationship to it.)