undertale deciversary reflections
to me, undertale is a game about love and authenticity. because when we're loved, we can be our most complete selves without worry, shame or guilt. I think when "weirdness" seems only normal to you, you've understood a big part of what undertale is about.
when I first played undertale, I got it so much that I didn't get it. it felt to me like it was obvious, and that anyone could do it. it's sweet and odd, it plays with the language of games, anyone can do that right? it's not "impressive", and that's what I thought people cared about. it was something I was already doing, but honestly way worse. these qualities I took for granted, because I didn't love myself or understand the kind of person I was as valuable.
instead I was trying more and more to fit the mold of society, to be "ambitious", "impressive" and "adult". being myself wasn't working out very well, and I didn't feel loved, only desired. I grew more and more to despise my innocence and naivety, yet Undertale was a game that said those things were the most valuable thing in the world.
ten years later now, and once again I feel like a fool for ever having thought otherwise. truly, the only option there is in life is to cling to our ideals and believe in a kinder world, or else it will never be. nothing ever got better as I tried to harden myself, only exponentially worse. it was my way of blaming myself for the bad things that happened to me, because at least that's something I might be able to control.
one of the most difficult things for me has always been to forgive myself. small things, big things, things I'd say "sorry" for and people go "wait, what? you didn't do anything" were all things I could never let go. maybe living in a permanent state of repentance could redeem me for my unforgivable flaws and mistakes, I thought.
there the whole time was Undertale with its message - we can't stop bad things from happening, but we can keep believing. and if we do, the kinder side of the world will reveal itself. that we need one another's kindness to heal and be whole, or else the world might become a cruel, lonely place. after these nearly 15 years in my adult life... I think that truly is all there is to it. and I'm thankful that I now have the confidence in myself to stick by it for good.
undertale is a gift to this harsh world. that it became so universally beloved so quickly is proof of its message, of sticking to kindness through thick and thin. I have so much respect for Toby Fox, because through Undertale he has achieved something that has always been my goal: to make the world a little bit kinder, a little bit softer. back then I was irreverent, but now I feel humble. I understand why I couldn't do it back then.
I hope some day I'll be able to give people something that makes them feel seen and loved anywhere near as much as Undertale. until then and for always, I will be incredibly grateful for its existence, even if I couldn't before.