what we give up for others
in my early adulthood, I had a lot of strong, loud opinions that were contrary to the common consensus among my social circle at the time. I didn't intend to, exactly--I was passionate, and, for as expansive of a thinker I was, just as youthfully narrow-minded. it turned out though, that my social media circle was a cult of opinion (and a den of wolves* besides), and my behavior was a constant source of friction in one form or another.
* this is valuable shorthand imagery, but it's worth a mention actual wolf packs are nothing like the popular imagination.
the problem was, my entire life depended on those people. they were simultaneously my colleagues, my lovers, my friends and my support network. due to being disabled and traumatized I felt alienated from normal social and working life. in other words, I was the perfect case for someone to become absorbed into a fringe high-control group. and no matter what I did, I was bound to lose.
at some point, it all dissolved and the life I knew disappeared. I started again entirely from scratch. from that point on I became wary of insularity. I became wary of people who value others on the basis of their opinions or who were preoccupied with their reputation and appearance. I became wary of people who enforced hierarchies, implicit or explicit.
I vowed to, as best as I could manage, create a different kind of life for myself. I needed a life that was easygoing, down to earth and full of kind, open people. the trouble is, I wasn't that person, at least not yet. I knew what I was looking for, had a growing sense of what it felt like, but had no idea how to create it. it was like learning how to walk all over again, where I couldn't help but stumble onto my face every few steps.
when I had my "quarter life crisis", I began to question if I made the right decision. what if I was being too stubborn? what if my own thoughts and perspective weren't such a big deal? what if all of these ideals of mine are just a way to escape from my pain? or worse, to justify running away from people I myself had judged unfairly?
my entire life felt like resisting, like refusing to be eaten up in a world not made for someone like me. I stopped resisting. I think some part of me needed to understand what it felt like not to. and I got eaten up.
I disappeared into the shadow of someone who thought nothing of me, and quickly realized my mistake. before I realized it I had thrown away all of my dignity and independence and now my existence hinged on a single person. I started to resist again, and though it was a terrible and near-pointless struggle in a relationship that had no hope of remediation, I began to regain myself again. I realized "resistance" is exactly what standing by oneself feels like.
social media has a way of dividing people. maybe it could be said that it amplifies something in our culture and our nature, too. it has a way of rewarding antisocial behavior and creating an illusion of achievement. it has a way of being a black hole for our energy and a seemingly-effortless funnel into cliques and pseudo-(if not literal)-cults.
for anyone with any kind of social vulnerability, this presents a devil's bargain: if you learn to follow the rules, if you learn to talk and present yourself the right way, you can have love and safety, and maybe even power of your own. but the stipulations never go away. before realizing it you can so easily become part of an engine that manifests harm.
in my teenage and early adult years when I didn't stand by myself, I felt I had to actualize myself through others, especially those with strong opinions and social power. the range of interests I could have, for example, shrunk to fit from "anything that exists in the world" to what the people I needed to approve of me liked. and so the same went for my opinions, my goals and even my daily habits. but I also couldn't live that way, as no one can--there's a fundamental contradiction.
for as long as I've remembered, I've wanted only a few, simple things: for my life to have love, for it to have safety, for it to be full of passion, and to make the world a little bit better.
at one point in my life, I thought having what I wanted meant living by others' rules. then, I thought it meant becoming someone who, on some scale, creates the rules. at another point, it meant living to nurture others. and at yet another, it meant living to help someone else become someone who creates the rules. this past decade, though, has been a long-dawning realization it means becoming the most 'me' as possible, and nurturing the fruit I produce such that it's as good for the world as it is for me.
during all those times I'd given myself up, I so often felt lost, frustrated and almost implacably angry at others just as much as myself. I became a parasite on others, or others became a parasite on me. in the worst of cases, it led to mutual destruction.
I never had to give myself up. and if any of this resonates in a painful way you'd rather turn your eyes from... you, reading this, don't have to either.
it can seem like an impossible choice, having oneself at the cost of others, or having others at the cost of oneself. it's still true that human relationships inevitably require giving something of oneself. the mistake would be seeing any of these costs as black-and-white or symmetrical. that forms such a large part of what makes a relationship mutualistic or parasitic.
my relationships started making sense when I first experienced people liking me for me, that they valued my presence in its own right, and I theirs. I had found something both joyous and sustainable for the first time in my life. and against my expectations, the more I continued being myself authentically, the more strong and natural relationships I forged, and the more natural it became for me to split ways with someone that wasn't good for me (or I them). and at the same time, it became easier and easier to cultivate my interests, bring my wishes to life and choose paths that were right for me. it even became easier to have conflict, because I knew and trusted myself and felt confident and trusting in the fabric of my relationships. it was all so simple in a way that felt almost comical. but as I've noticed in hindsight, so often healing in my life has felt like things becoming simpler.
I can thankfully say I'm not as bothered about giving something to the world as I used to be. this year and last have done so much to demonstrate to me that, even though the path can be wayward, being myself and cultivating my joy brings something to the world itself.
it was always the only way to, really. and maybe this is bold to say, but I have a feeling this is true for far more people than just me. living as myself, for myself and for others is not contradictory, it's fundamentally intertwined. whether it's humanity, our friend group or our selves, we all have a shared fate.
this is one reason why when I write I can't help but interrelate all my interests and interweave tidbits and perspectives from all over. it's why I can't help but speak philosophically or from base principles. it's why I can't help but have opinions and perspectives that (sometimes) feel inscrutable or strange to others in this increasingly polarized world. everything I create, I create from the depths of myself and in synthesis all the broad corners of this world that inspire me. sometimes it's a bit of a mess, but I'm okay with that. it's all felt authentic and representative of my journey, and that's been exactly my goal.
I'm content. I'm being me. I'm living simply and honestly. I hope for others to see that and approach in good faith in kind. it's vulnerable, and that vulnerability is scary. this entire blog is, in a way, me jumping into the deep end and hoping for the best. but I feel like others need this, as much as I do for myself- permission to be ourselves. we need that more than anything now, don't we? that's a feeling I have, anyway.
the more I've lived this way, the more I've encountered kindred spirits in these kinds of beliefs. people who believe in making space for themselves in the same breath as preserving that space for others. I hope for anyone reading this, if this sounds like something you need but somehow feels impossible: it's not. it's scary, but it gets easier. there's so much bad in this world, but there's a lot of good too. life can be simple and open and full of passion. I'm not perfect at realizing these ideals, but we can reach for them together. I and so many others are right here waiting.